The idea of the
eschaton has always kind of scared me. It probably didn’t help that Left Behind was my favourite book series
when I was twelve, when I first prayed with the uncertainty of whether I was
really a Christian or had just been doing what was set out for me and the worry
that I was only making the decision to pray for salvation out of the fear of
the consequences of not doing so, the stick behind the proverbial donkey. While
the fears of not being ‘truly’ saved lingered on and off over the years, my
main issue with the Second Coming was the idea of lost opportunities. I guess
part of me has always said that it will come eventually, and that’s great, but
I want the chance to get married and work and live my life here before things
happen and the playing field changes in unknowable ways. I knew that heaven was
a sure thing and would happen at some point and be forever and be perfect, but
I wanted a chance in this imperfect world first. That viewpoint was held
whenever I was comfortable in my faith. When I wasn’t, I’d view it with worry
that it was going to come in my time of doubt and that I wouldn’t be ready for
it (conversely and rather strangely, after reading Left Behind a small part of me wanted
to be like Bruce Barnes as it would mean I’d have the opportunity to
minister to people, especially as I’d never been completely sure about whether
my father went to church because my mother did or due to his own belief in
Christ). But the point is that – and this is an admission that I’d never make
to my family – one of the reasons that I hate hearing reports about dates for
the end of the world is that part of me fears that that theory is true and that
I won’t be ready and that I will hurriedly do more spiritually out of a fear of
the apocalypse rather than out of love of God. This is, I believe, why
superheroes are making a comeback. People have fears about technological
developments or global relations or zombies and escape in stories of society facing
circumstances that it cannot overcome and being saved by a person who obtained
powers from spiders or however Superman got them (he’s like an alien, right?) or
through technology. We worry that our own society is going to need a superhero,
so we rally around imaginary superheroes. The thing is that we have been given a superhero, Jesus, but
we ignore him. Now, my problem is that part of me accepts this but the other
part struggles with sin and with whether I’ve been forgiven or have sought
forgiveness and turned back too many times and whether the Bible is even true.
It’s like I sought explanations from my brother (I still need to read his
Extension History on the historiography of Jesus Christ, actually; online note
to self), but the more he assured me that there was actual proof the less faith
I had, until I’ve ended up in this weird place where I accept that it’s all
true but am distanced and feel disconnected from God. Did I, while seeking intellectual reassurance, lose my emotional one? Am I like Victor Frankenstein, seeking scientific discovery (or in my case what apologetics have stated) and sacrificing emotional connection and values for it?
The other, more
prominent and more easily communicated, reason that I hate the theorizing about
when the world will end is that I believe that it is impossible for us to know.
The Bible says that God alone knows the exact time. Mayans living in ancient
times had no idea. People near the end of a millennium are just guessing.
Christians trying to use whatever formula to work out a particular date have no
chance. The latter annoys me as it also just results in a string of potential
ends-of-the-world that just make people laugh over the claims, have less belief
in its eventual occurrence, and have even more derision for Christianity.
I’m also a
person who seeks assurance from others’ opinions. I hate to admit it when I firmly believe that what other people think about you doesn't matter as much as what God and you think about you, but it matters to me. Which is, I believe, why my mind often blanks when I'm talking to someone I barely know and refuses to give me words to say. (It's often not even wanting to say something but being too shy, although that happens too; it's just that around strangers/friendly acquaitances I have nothing to say, but then when I'm with my family or close friends I'm suddenly a torrent of words.) Even though I know that it
doesn’t matter that other people choose different pairings in Fire Emblem or that it doesn’t matter
that I didn’t build up enough support between the characters to get the ending
I wanted, I need to replay the game (in Hector’s mode, so it may not really
count as replaying) so that Lyn and Hector wind up married and Eliwood and
Ninian end up together and, while I appreciate the ability for people to make
their own desired pairing, as long as it is between certain characters, work, I
don’t like knowing that other people are equally convinced that Hector ended up
with Florina or that other rider or alone. I don’t like my brother feeling that
he’s won an argument or that he is right when Mum and I both disagree with him,
because he’s wrong but he thinks
otherwise. While I’m fine believing something that other people don’t
believe, I feel like the Aurons whose reality was endangered by other people’s
disbelief.
So I am 99.9%
sure that the world will not end the day I get my HSC results, and that belief
is not even affected by the annoyance that I would feel if I’ve finally
completely finished high school and gotten my final results only to have it all
rendered irrelevant. In fact, even that 0.1% believes that it won’t. It’s just
that that 0.1%, or probably a greater percentage actually, contains my
uncertainties and my fears and is telling me there are people out there that believe that it will end that day and
nothing I could say would change their minds; what if it does? What will happen
afterwards, and will I be ready for it?
